I’m not an Instagram Influencer, but I am someone who spends a disproportionate amount of time looking at people’s profiles…and not always in a weird way.
Usually, but not always.
My limitless research of your breakfast habits and weekend activities has led me to understand what doesn’t work when it comes to aspiring influencers. I have no idea how to do a thing…but here’s how not to do it:
1. If You Want to Look Rich, Don’t Eat Where I Eat
I’m not rich. I mean, one day I assume I’ll be made an heir to a virtually limitless fortune after finding out I’m distantly related to an oil magnate who never found the time to have any children. Also, he has a mansion that I get and a luxury sports car collection.
Until that definitely happens, I’m not rich. So when you’re posing your way around the world wearing amazing clothes and pretending to get on private jets, don’t eat somewhere that someone like me would eat.
In fact, this entire blog could probably be summarized in the following phrase – “don’t do what Rhys does.”
2. Don’t Re-Use Images or Locations
I’m the odd ball dude on your profile, so I know when you’ve taken several photos in the same location while wearing different clothes to make it look like a bunch of different shots.
So when you try to tell me (yes me, Instagram is just for me) that you’re ‘back in Singapore’ and staying at the same hotel and it’s sunny even though there’s a cyclone raging at the moment…I’m gonna notice.
3. Don’t Be Something You’re Not
Just be you! It’s way cooler than trying to duplicate all the other “cool people” out there who are trying to duplicate even “cooler people”.
All you’re doing is driving the human race towards peak absurb level and then the planet explodes. It’s science.
4. Don’t Be Dramatic
Instagram’s like a little safe place where I can go to look at happy things that make me feel all warm and snuggly. It’s like a sleeping bag filled with teddy bears and some of the bears have those little vodka bottle sewn into them.
So when you decide to have a massive rant about the way you were treated when you went to the supermarket and how people need to be kinder to each other, it’s like you’re ripping away my booze-filled bears!
Don’t do that.
5. Don’t Ruin the Illusion
If I wanted to deal with relatable people I’d leave the house. Humans are for the most part uninteresting beasts that do the same boring things that I do.
The people that I watch on my TV, on the other hand, are fascinating. Firstly, they don’t just sit around on the couch talking about nothing and eating day-old pizza like I also totally don’t do and most of them know some kind of ancient and magical martial art.
Also like me.
I know it’s all an act, I just don’t care, and the same goes for you. Don’t ruin the illusion by demonstrating that you’re a real person!
‘It took me 3 hours to set up this shot.’
No, it didn’t! You jumped in the air randomly and the sun was coincidently setting in the background and those doves were flying by.
‘This is me without filters!’
Gross. Filters are good. I’d have a filter in real life if I could.
Take it from your biggest fan, you’re great – just avoid these common traps and keep up the good work.